a chaotic mess of monday inspiration

*all photos (except the header image) are taken from pinterest. i don’t own them.

hello, friends! i hope you’re all doing well ❤ how’s your week going so far?

i don’t know about you guys, but i’ve been feeling like i’m trapped in a rut lately. it’s been rough, and has been messing with my mental health severely. my autism and adhd make it so easy to fall into executive dysfunction, and i just…yeah. so, with this post, i’m attempting to take back control and enter back into blooming.

this post is inspired by aria’s first light, my muse posts (:


i’m praying that this post was helpful for all of you *hugs* i’m sorry that my posts have been a bit scattered lately…. mental health has been difficult.

let me know how i may pray for all of you in the comments <33

a bit of an apology/explanation post

*i don’t own the featured image

hello, friends! i’ll try to keep this post short, because it’s more of an explanation post than anything else.

in my most recent post, i made a…very brash statement that…the more i think about it, was wrong. when i first became convicted of this, i balked at the idea of actually apologizing and admitting i was wrong. rue needs to work on being more humble when she’s wrong 😅

so…in that post, i explicitly said i was no longer going to call myself a christian because of the toxic history behind that word. and well, after a discussion with my dad (who’s a pastor), i realized that what i was really trying to say is that i’m done with religion.

friends, religion is what the pharisees practiced. religion is simply a strict set of rules and rituals that you follow to “get into heaven”.

in lauren daigle’s losing my religion song, she sings about how religion has become an idol and that she’s abandoning the idea of religion in favor of a relationship with God.

at first glance, religion and relationship seem pretty similar. in fact, in the sense of christianity, they’re very similar. they involve the same rituals and holidays and…everything. the difference between them is the motivation. when people are christians for the religious aspect, it’s not real christianity. it’s just a way of living life in hopes of getting into heaven. but…friends, when people are christians for the relationship with the Maker of the stars, everything changes. 

one of my friends once told me to think of God like a friend. you want your friends to know you love them and care about them, right? why wouldn’t you do the same with Jesus?

i’m done boycotting the word “christian”. maybe i needed to look at it through a different lens. christianity isn’t the problem. religion is.

i have so much more i could say on this topic, but i promised i’d keep this short…so i guess i’ll save the rest of this for another post 😅 i really hope this cleared up some stuff. thank you all for sticking around for my ramblings *hugs* i love you all <33

why i no longer call myself a christian, and instead leave my relationship with Christ unlabled

*i don’t own the featured image

hello, readers! i hope you’re all doing well ❤ before any of you freak out about this post (because i know quite a few of you will get concerned), i’m still a Jesus follower. i’m just no longer placing my faith in a religion. i…i’ll explain in a second.

disclaimer: this post is not gonna be composed and clean and an easy read. this is a raw glimpse into my thoughts, almost like a journal entry. with that in mind, i would appreciate if you would enter into this post without judgement. i’m going to say some fairly controversial stuff that might hit you hard. i’m willing to discuss these topics in the comments, as long as it’s in a civil manner. if you post any hateful comments that are attacking anyone, i will delete those comments and potentially block you. i know we all have our political views that we feel very strongly about, but i’d request that for this you all just read without judgement.

i previously posted a shorter version of this on ydubs.


this post has been on my heart for far too long. but…i was scared to post it. hate had polluted my heart and i knew that if i posted this, i would be saying all of this out of a place of sin. not out of a place of love. i’m praying that Abba gives me the right words to say. goodness knows i need all the wisdom i can get.

friends, im so sick of seeing christians be hypocritical. im so sick of seeing them make fun of people who they don’t agree with, and justifying it as humor. im so sick of constantly feeling like as contemporary christians, we’ve forgotten that christianity is, at it’s very roots, about love.

i was oblivious to this until the covid pandemic began. the christian community started boycotting masks, and saying that they needed their freedom. they said they were protected by God, and not a mask. the amount of times i’ve seen christians be unwilling to do something as small as wear a mask, even if it’s to keep a high risk person safe is…. heartbreaking. i’ve seen friendships destroyed over a small piece of cloth. i’ve watched people essentially give the government the middle finger with mesh masks that do almost nothing. i’ve watched people care more about their rights than about showing love to others.

and it hurts. it feels like the christian community has forgotten what the root of our religion is. when i hear christian, i think of trump, american flags, boycotting masks and vaccines, and hurting people. it’s funny how something as simple as following Jesus has become polluted by sin. now, mind you, i’m not saying it’s sinful to be a trump supporter or to be anti mask (those are things you have to take up with God and figure out what He says about them), but i am saying that those things turn sinful so quickly. only a few years ago, it was the left that was considered “ungodly”, but now i feel like the right has become equal with the left. 

you say you’re mad about progressive christians taking verses out of context and saying that God accepts homosexual love, and yet you ignore the verses about obeying the government unless they’re requiring you to sin, and about loving your neighbors. i have so much i could say about this topic, but i’m not going to. because, if we’re being completely honest, it would be sinful for me to keep talking about this. you want to know why? because i struggle with judging conservative christians. and i don’t want a post about the hate in the christian community to become a post where i’m growing the hate in my heart.

i’m gonna be real for a second; i’ve been hurt countless times by christians who care more about politics and what they think is right, than about their relationship with Yahweh. they justify hateful practices as being “their rights”. they give people the wrong picture of christianity. i’ve been told that it was a sin for me to have anxiety, i’ve been told that it’s sinful that i struggle with being attracted to girls…. i’ve been told so many things. and i…would Jesus say those things? He looked at so many broken people who were condemned by society, and He called them by their names and not by their sin. He looked at them with love. He didn’t judge. He didn’t tell them what they were doing wrong. instead, He picked up their broken pieces, and called them to follow Him. 

so when did christianity lose that as it’s very heart?

as i get older, and as i see how much hurt that so called “christians” have caused, i long to separate myself from the label of christian. i don’t want to be associated with all the bad. maybe instead i’m just… a weary traveler who loves Jesus and is on her way to the celestial city. i don’t want people to see me, and go “oh…she’s a member of that group that really hurt me.” i want people to see me, and understand that i love Jesus. i have so many friends who get triggered by christianity, because they’ve been abused in the name of Jesus. 

the bible says that people will know that we are Jesus followers by our fruit. not by our politics. not by our insisting on our rights. not on our harassing others who disagree with us.

i’m not gonna keep rambling…i know that this post alone will potentially cause debates, but im just…i guess that my challenge for you guys is to…think about what picture of Christ you’re portraying for non christians. are you showing them that christianity is all about politics and my rights my rights? or are you showing them that christianity is about one man Who dared to die a humiliating death in public, for you?

edit: the quote “He called them by their names and not by their sin” was paraphrased from a jarrid wilson quote.

Doubt, Brokeness, and How God Uses These Things To Refine Us | You Are Not Alone, Part One

I don’t own the featured image.

Hello, friends! I hope you’re all doing well on this exceedingly warm September day. What have you guys been up to? It’s been a while 😅 Today I thought I’d address a more…difficult topic that I’m really praying will help a lot of you to feel less alone in your struggles.

Before I wrote this post, I had a selection of my online friends take an anonymous poll about their personal struggles, and I must say, I was *not* disappointed with how many responses I got (there were 41 in total!). It was also really eye opening to see what people struggle silently. The struggles varied, from porn to swearing to complaining, and yet they all had one thing in common; they all are a result of living on a fallen planet.

My dear readers, you are not alone in your struggles. Please don’t believe that you are. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. I wish I could give each of you a hug, and reassure you that things will get better, and that others struggle the same as you.


I began my poll with a simple question: Do you believe in God? Unsurprisingly, most people answered that yes, they did. I wasn’t shocked, due to these friends being from a Christian forum. There was, however, a small sliver of people who answered with maybe. 

I followed that up with a slightly less easy question (but still simple enough): Have you ever questioned your faith? This question got a much more diverse set of answers, ranging from yes, to no, to maybe, to I’m currently questioning it.

Let’s be honest; questioning God’s existence is taboo in the Christian community. It’s scary, and there aren’t many good resources for those who want to dig deeper. People are discouraged from asking the big scary questions about God, and we’re taught from a young age that God doesn’t like people who question Him.

It’s not a sin to question whether God is real or not. It’s a crucial part in growing in your faith, and in solidifying your beliefs. God does not hate you for questioning Him. He smiles softly at you, and allows you to question. He’s a gracious and loving Father Who does not condemn us for our unbelief. He knows that we are simply human, and that it is in our very DNA to ask questions.

Friend, do you personally believe in God? In Abba? In the Creator of the universe, Who knit the stars into formation and breathed breath into your lungs? Do you believe in Him? If you don’t, and you want to learn more about Him, please don’t hesitate to contact me through my contact form. I would be more than happy to talk about Him with you, and answer any questions you might have ❤

Please note that not all of the things on that list are sins. For example, it’s not sinful to be attracted to people of your same gender. It matters what you do with it, k? I know this from personal experience *hugs* (I’ll discuss this in a later post ;))

The second part of the poll was asking people which, out of a long list of things, they’ve struggled with. I had one friend inform me that after taking the poll, he felt humbled by the fact that he had checked off so many boxes. And honestly, he wasn’t wrong. I made myself take the poll, and I personally felt so small and…human after taking it. My brokenness was laid right in front of me on a checklist, and it hit hard that I had checked almost every single box.

I wanted this poll to impact the lives of others, but I didn’t expect it to impact my own. I felt slapped in the face by my brokenness, and was uncomfortably aware that I’m not perfect.


Friends, this is only the beginning of this series, and I’m praying that it impacts some of you. You all are loved, and things will get better. You’re not alone.

Let me know in the comments how I may pray for you all.

Ad Gloriam Dei.

a life update | in which i ramble about my soon to be published poetry collection, mental health, french worship music, and God’s faithfulness

*i don’t own the header image; it was taken from pinterest. if you are the rightful owner, let me know, and i’ll take it down <33

trigger warning: self harm is briefly discussed, as is other potentially triggering topics (death of a pet and anxiety)

hello, friends! it’s been a while, hasn’t it? sorry about that – life’s been pretty crazy, and my blog was just sorta pushed to the side. how have you all been? let me know in the comments below ❤

it’s hard to believe that we’re already over halfway through 2022. i don’t know about the rest of you guys, but i still feel like it’s 2020. and yet it’s almost 2023?? i’m not ready *smiles softly* i’m excited to see what Abba has in store for the next year though.

the last few months have been…well, quite frankly, really difficult. i lost a kitten to a birth defect that was slowly killing her…that was really painful. the amount of times i’ve self harmed recently is too many to count. i’ve cried countless times. my anxiety disorder has been acting up, and so have all my other mental illnesses.

and yet, through it all, Abba has been so incredibly good. He sees the shattering, and He holds me through it. i know that He is El Roi, the God Who sees. and He cares. He cares so deeply. He grieves with me. He loves me.

He’s been using the book gentle & lowly, by dane ortlund to nourish my weary soul. if you haven’t read it yet, i highly recommend it. it’s helped me to grow closer to God, and to see Him as a friend, as opposed to a legalistic God who sets a bunch of rules and doesn’t care about me. He’s also been using french worship music to help me. i don’t even understand the lyrics in it, but i can feel His presence through it. if you haven’t listened to french worship music before, i highly recommend it ❤ here’s the playlist i created that’s been drawing me closer to Him.

you know something about Abba? He’s been using my brokenness for His kingdom, and it brings me so much joy despite the pain. that actually brings me to my next point (;

through a lot of the pain i’ve dealt with, He’s used it to help me to grow stronger in my writing. and after about 2 years of writing poetry on a regular basis, i’ve finally compiled a poetry collection. aaaaand i’m publishing that collection this fall 🥰 it’s called the refiner’s fire, and it’s all about finding beauty in breaking. if you want to join my street team for it, feel free to fill out this form ❤

there’s so much more i could update you guys on, but i’ll stop rambling for now. let me know in the comments if you want a part 2 to this life update.

take care of yourselfs, luv’s. *hugs* if you enjoyed this post, please don’t forget to like it, leave a comment, and follow me for similar content.

ad gloriam Dei.